Dissonance- An essay
It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential. Bruce Lee
Some days you feel Ike the world is imploding in your head.
Some days feel like there is nothing there except for a few kernels of knowledge.
Dissonance is the essence of life. There are so many paradoxes that you can’t count.
Sometimes chipping at life and the age that we are in feels like everything is happening everywhere all at once. The world spins at an orbit which we can’t feel.
I feel like the dissonance of what my life should be and what life is sometimes baffles me. I am not supposed to talk about struggle but it is the essence of what life is. Life is series of struggles that leads to a moment of happiness.
Dissonance is a lack of harmony in notes, life feels like dissonance.
Recovery from PTSD or some sort of mental health anguish is supposed to be normal. You are supposed to move ahead. Keep moving because then nothing can really, really get to you. No matter how far you run, you are always there. There is no escaping a reality that you make for yourself. There is always be someone better than you, faster than you or smarter than you. I am supposed to be guide people at this stage in my life.
I feel like I should have wisdom, Sometime I do, sometimes I don’t. I am trying to get a sense of self back into a world that spins without me. I will sit with my sadness, where does it radiate from, it is just there, pushing to tell me that I did not catch up with smartest and fastest. I am just me. Flawed and mistaken, an accident from birth, I was protected and not protected. The world taught me to ask for less while fighting for my life.
My own misakes and my own choice brough upon me both good and bad. A career in service of others not myself. I have no accolades because I worked for the federal government. Just years of service. I was loyal to something that was almost akin to nothing. Everything I had, I had to fight for with the help of others.
Nothing is mine. I feel like a rat a wheel, a fly in in the ointment. But I write because that is all I have now.
Thank you for listening. My cognitive dissonance of where I actually am and where I actually end is still in the making. Just slowly in the sadness and happiness of the world.
I still can’t tell where the sadness comes from because sometimes it is a companion. Maybe it is a demon, maybe it is angel. It is just there and persistent. If you know where it comes from, please tell me so I can file it away for future reference.
Have a great Tuesday. Thanks for listening.